I have been in a deep hole of crap.  Crap that I have brought upon myself that I am working to dig myself out of.  I realize that choices are all that we are and have...we are literally the manifestation of our own thoughts and choices. And I also realize that about 6 months ago I wasn't even seeing straight enough to tie my own shoes but decided that it was an excellent time to make major life decisions. Hence, the digging out of the dung heap commences. 

I used to fancy myself to be a rather audacious kind of bitch.  Now, when I say bitch, I mean it in the best way.  The "don't get in my way because my shiny light of strength will knock you on your ass" way....versus the "bitches and ho's" kind of Fiddy Cent terminology.  The good connotation...and yes, I truly believe there is one.

But somewhere along the way, this cool bitch I would have been friends with has lost her fight.

This is what life is about, right?  Following a path, doing well on it, then deciding to try another path, fall flat on your face, pick yourself up, try another road....but dammit if the picking up isn't the hard part. 

Instead of gently hoisting myself out of the mud, I am a bitch to myself, and I don't mean the good kind. 

I kick myself around, call myself worthless idiot, blind loser.  Berate myself for where I am in my life.  Single.  Broke.  Childless.  Unemployed.  Sick.  LIVING WITH MY PARENTS!
Not exactly where I thought I'd be when I was making my life plan at the wise old age of 18.  Not exactly the "American Ideal"...whatever that is now.

But something happened to me today, thanks to my Guru Elizabeth Gilbert.  (she, of course, has no idea that she's become my Guru....and for those of you who don't know - she's the author of Eat, Pray, Love)

I realized that this is all just the universes' way of saying....guess what.  You get a new start.  With the old lessons packed in your heart, but not weighing you with a burden.  All time before this I lived without realizing my part in my life.  I just went with what was happening , let it ride, and hoped for the best - like a hopped up poker player with my fingers crossed behind my back.  NOT ANYMORE!!

I am the leading lady in this, my life.  I've literally been watching it...not even as a bit player, but a member of the audience.  Munching on Dots and pulling for the poor sap on the screen to finally get it right!  Allowing everyone and everything to have more control over me than I did myself. 

I'm coming back, like Barbara Stanwyck.  Like Bette Davis.  Rita Hayworth.  Old school, baby.  The bitch is back - but with a beautiful aura....  I miss being audacious.  In control.  FUN!  Not pissed off all the time at everyone and everything...especially this life I've been given.  She's coming back.  I'm pulling her out of retirement and putting her in the starting lineup.  I have felt as though I'm dying inside.  I was dying - giving up on this life.  I was ready to go.  But now, I realize that I've been hiding too long under a cloak of illness, and breakups, and security of being taken care of by family.  It's DONE!  

My new mantras....

1. I will not harbor any negative thoughts or feelings.
2. I will become the tough, fun, powerful bitch I used to be.
3. I will at all times realize that I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS LIVING MY LIFE!

I pray to God every day to give me strength.  To find my path.  To be happy again.

And I will pray for all of you to receive whatever gifts you're looking for in life.  May it involve finding your inner bitch, or if you've already found her, then cultivating her strength even deeper.  Don't be afraid of her.  She's in there to push you through, dig you out, whatever verb you're in dire need of.

Okay, so I just saw this on another site, but I thought it would be kinda fun to do my own list.  I went and saw "Superbad" this weekend (which, FYI, is hysterical...except really gross!) and it made me reminisce about movies I loved back in the day that I totally related to...these are in no particular order...

Sixteen Candles -
Okay, so maybe this is number one...so they are in order.  I've seen this movie about a million times...literally.  I was so in love with Jake Ryan, related to Sam (Molly Ringwald), and kinda fell for the self proclaimed "King of the Dipshits"...I still have Samantha like tendencies...crushes on amazing boys, red hair...I love the music (especially the song when they kiss by the Thompson Twins) and John Hughes is a genius.  This also, for the record, was the first rated R movie I saw! 

The Best Moment!

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
If you don't love this movie then you're an idiot.  Seriously.  I would still marry Ferris to this day!  It's funny, sad, timely...even now!  And, I think, Matthew Broderick's best performance to date.  You want to know Ferris, love Ferris, BE Ferris.  I always prayed that some guy just like him would move to my hometown and sweep me off my feet.  Cuz you know he truly loved Sloane.  That coulda been me....

Check out Sloane's jacket.  WTF? :)

Say Anything
Ahhh, let us revel in the wonder that is John Cusack.  I feel like I'm still searching for Lloyd Dabler.  Now that guy knew what commitment was!  He found his girl, Diane, and he was in it for the long haul.  I'm sure all of you ladies of a certain age know what I'm talking about...where is my Lloyd?  Most of the women I've met that are from about 33 to 44 get that funny feeling every time they hear "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel...which, by the way, was not the original song that was supposed to be in the scene.  I forget the name of the song, but it was some punk song about how pissed off he was.  Think about how different we'd feel about that movie if that one song had been different.  MMMMmmm...me likey.  And I can totally relate to the Gas -n- Sip...we used to all hang out at a gas station called the "Little Store"...it was the meeting place for our entire high school...packed on Friday and Saturday nights.
Back off from my man!

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Funny, two Cameron Crowe pictures back to back!  I think I loved this movie so much because you could relate to EVERYONE!  And holy cow...that's a cast...Forrest Whitaker is in it for cryin out loud!  And of course, Sean Penn...but you've got to love that the teacher's name was Mr. Hand.  Great name!  I'm sure guys remember it for the Phoebe Cates bikini scene...but I just love Spicoli.

Stoner Abs

Pretty In Pink
This has the best soundtrack ever!  And Duckie.  Duckie is completely the most adorable character in all the movies.  And of course, we all relate, again, to Andie...in love with the guy from the good side of the tracks...although, I have to admit, I was never a fan of Andrew McCarthy...and he was especially weenie-like in this one.  And I LOVE Iona.  I aspire to grow up someday and be like Iona.  She rocks.

Duckie sings Otis

Of course, this post has nothing to do with making the world a better place...but if you check out these movies, it may just put you in a better mood to where you focus, smile, and come up with a cure for cancer or something.

Man, this is going to sound crazy, but I have a massive problem.  I have an addiction.  It's consuming my Thursdays, my Fridays, and I feel like I'm in withdrawl from it on the other days of the week. 

My addiction is pathetic.



My addiction is Grey's Anatomy.  A TV show.  It's drawn me in, and I can hardly remember life without it.  It has become a necessity in my life...I feel lost without it when repeats are looming in the distance....like they are now!  I know there will probably only be one more new episode for a while, and I feel like crying.  Honestly crying.

Seriously, who acts like this!?

For those of you who haven't seen this genius show, get thee to the Netflix queue and put the first 2 seasons at the top of the list.  Even GUYS like this show!  Following the lives of 5 interns at Seattle Grace Hospital will become your new heroin as well.

I feel like such a pimp!

There's Meredith Grey, the main character of the show (at least she was until last night...holy crap!) who is melancholy and a drama queen, and in love with McDreamy...the lovely Patrick Dempsey whom I can't ever watch without thinking of his fantastic African Anteater Dance from "Can't Buy Me Love"....

Cristina Yang...mouth...ego...vulnerable though she doesn't want to be....the character with the most evolution so far...she's engaged to Burke for crying out loud!

George O'Malley.  Adorable.  Now married to Callie O'Malley....who is my favorite character on the show.  She's smart, sensual, and doesn't take crap from anyone...she's the cool girl on the block (though I didn't like her at first either!)

Izzy Stevens - heartbreak character of the show...fell in love with patient Denny Duquette last season who then died shortly after PROPOSING to her.  She's just getting back into the game...but holy crap again....Denny was on the show last night!  AARGH!

Finally...Alex Karev.  Total asshole at the begining of the series.  Turning into a GREAT character...who after all, has a heart, and might just give it to Addison Montgomery...my SECOND favorite character...whom I also used to not like. 

All of these characters blend together with some of the scariest, most stressful drama scenes...followed by a fantastic comedic turn, then you're crying, then you're mad....it's like riding a roller coaster that you get back on every week.

I know.  This won't make sense to some of you.  But to those in the "know"...we know this show is the shit!   You, too, will be slapping that arm, throwing out that mainline from the remote, and getting your fix of the gang for the week.  I swear, it's like a Krispy Kreme donut or McDonald's fries.  It's always good.  It's designed that way!

Hello, hello, hello again!  Wow, it's been a while....I've missed my Zaadz! :)

The last few months have been quite a journey for me, and I wanted to give you just a quick update.

On the 17th of October I was admitted to the hospital with a blood clot in my portal vein...a big vein that lies just below the liver and takes nutrients from the intestine absorbed into the blood to the liver for purification.  I was having wierd pains the night before...like my bra was too small or something...and of course I thought, great, I'm gaining more weight!  By the time I arrived at work the next day I couldn't stand up straight from the pain, but was determined nothing was wrong.  My friend at work Ashley kept bugging me to go to the emergency room, but I was convinced they would just tell me I had gas and send me home.  And then I'd feel like a big dork, of course!



But, alas, no.  Had to be the special one with the wierd diagnosis!

I was in the hospital for a week, where a drug named dilauded became my very good friend.  Anything can seem like a trip to Bermuda when you're on that stuff!  I then had to go on medical leave from work for the next 2 1/2 months, and just came back to the office on Friday.  I'm on blood thinners, which is an interesting experience, and I believe that I may actually turn into a cat from the sheer number of CT scans I've had in the last 3 months! :)

I spent most of my time off lying on my parent's couch...which in and of itself will probably cause me to need extra bouts of therapy! (just kidding!)  It is wierd though to have your Mom and Dad peek their heads around the corner as you're watching TV and say, "I think it's time for you to go to bed."  And it's only 9pm.  And you're 33 years old. 

As it is with the universe, good things come with the bad, and though this has been a tough time for me, a new relationship has come from it, and for that I'll be forever grateful.  I'm convinced that growing closer to him is the whole reason I got sick in the first place.

Yes, kids, you read that right.  I'm actually someone's girlfriend....

I'm slowly on the mend, and I realize this isn't the most happy and uplifting post, but I thought that some of you might want to know what's been shaking...or not!

I hope this finds all y'all doing great...can't wait to catch up with you....
Peace!

I'd like to direct you to my friend VRS's blog.  He has posted stories written about women and men making a difference in their micro-environments.  They are always informative and interesting...as Varun himself is! :)

I always look forward to learning more from him and his good heart...hopefully now you will too!

Today I decided to do what I refer to as "Zaadz fishing".  That's when I get all motivated.  I begin looking at all of the wonderful people who are now on our wonderful site.  I have such high expectations for who I might find...but today, I really feel like I went fishing for salmon and found pretty much a bunch of sardines.

How many of you remember the Seinfeld episode with Jimmy, the guy with the goofy looking shoes that increase your vertical? (As a sidenote, I wanted those so bad when I was playing volleyball in college!)  Well, the whole episode is about how this guy Jimmy talks about himself in third person.  "Jimmy jumps high!  You like Jimmy's shoes don't you?  Jimmy's going to take Elaine out tonight."


Well, this afternoon during my "fishing", I came across an inordinant amount of bios for zaadz members that were in third person.  For example...

"Mr. Haberdasher* gained his love for guitar begining in 1986.  Under the tutelage of Sir-Mix-A-Lot, Haberdasher groomed and watered the flower that has now become his band, Buttermilk Biscuits."

or...

"Moonlovejungle* has recently taken up the art of conscious sneezing.  She finds that in practicing conscious sneezing her connection to the life that comes from breath becomes more profound."

*all names, scenarios and poor musical choices have been changed. 

WTF?  I realize that there are a lot of you out there who are successful in your realms, be it photography, music, business, underwater basket weaving...but really, if you are that great, shouldn't you be able to write something about yourself?  This is not a place for press releases!  As soon as I see that someone is unable to take ten minutes to write from the heart about themselves, I move on to the next person.  Because truly, Zaadz is all about connection, right?  If you have to use your publicists version of who you are, then what's the point?  It makes me feel as though I have as much information about that person as I could find about Justin Timberlake on Google or E! online.

But just for fun, I thought I'd write my own bio in third person.

Amanda Sue Leslie was born in the farming town of Fruita, Colorado; a place where the pickup truck is still the main mode of transportation and the mullet will never die.  Having grown up with a very "Leave It To Beaver" like existence, Leslie excelled in sports and shopping.  Upon graduation from high school, she accepeted a full ride scholarship to play volleyball at Mesa State College, home of the Mavericks.  During her first year of competitive play, Mandy, as her friends called her, suffered a career ending injury.  This is when life changed for the young redhead, as previously sports were her main focus.  Now she had time for the "good life", becoming a beer guzzling, pizza eating, boy chasing party monster. 

Mandy became the poster child for all things slightly inappropriate.  She began dating Steve, a nice guy, six years her senior, and soon they were in love.  To the shock of all those around her, the normally well-behaved Leslie moved in with Steve at the age of 19.  It was at this point, during a dinner out with her live-in-love and her parents that the epiphany of her life occured.  When asked by the waitress what she would like to drink, Mandy replied, "Pina Colada, please".  The waitress then asked to see her I.D., but the underaged Leslie was quick to reply, "Oh, no, it's okay.  I'm a virgin."

Amongst the laughter a light shone down on our heroine...and it was though an angel came and spoke to her. 

"Mandy!", the voice spoke, "You will spend your life making a complete ass out of yourself, much to the amusement of others.  Your idiocy will be like a beacon of peace."

I think I need a new publicist! 

Anyway, moral of the story is, WRITE FROM THE HEART!  I don't care what your agent thinks you should sound like.  If you've cut and pasted a "bio" - you're missing the point of the whole Zaadz experience.  There's a TON of salmon to find during the Zaadz fishing, but like I said, the sardines are starting to stink up the place.

I just wanted to take a minute and say thank you to all of you who checked out my previous blog "I Am Bridget Jones"! 

First of all, for all of you who have sent notes or have had people ask - Josh and I are getting to know each other...which in official terms means that I've talked to him about three times and thrown a couple of e-mails around.  Nothing too exciting...but one thing I've definitely mastered in the last seven years or so is patience!  It's a growing process, and I'm willing to watch the seed do it's thing.

Second, I have been BLOWN AWAY by all the response to the entry!  It's like this thing that has grown, spread (kind of like a virus?), but most of all, so many of you have mentioned that you've had similar experiences and could totally relate.  It's good to feel connected to so many!  Remember that shampoo commercial back in the day..."And she told two friends, and she told two friends, and so on and so on..."  that's how it's felt.  It was pure joy to me to get emails from all of you saying that you had shared the story with friends, and that THEIR friends wanted the update about my relationship with him! :) 

And third, I just wanted to THANK YOU  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU all...I have officially disconnected my cable and have begun writing "THE BOOK".  Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous to have to turn off the TV to get anything done, but I had become waaaay too attached to the people on the tube waiting for me when I got home from work.  The great thing is that my brain is working overtime...I had forgotten how many "Bridget" stories I really have. 

So to all of you, again, many thanks, much love, and GOD BLESS ZAADZ! :) 

P.S.  My Mom thanks you too, as she has been hounding me about the writing for ages...and just a couple of weeks ago actually said to me..."Well, I sure hope you finish your book soon, you know I'm getting pretty old now...."  So the race is on...but at least I'm running it now! 

Did any of you see the movie Bridget Jones's Diary?  I have seen it about a gazillion times - mainly because I AM Bridget Jones.  Foot in the mouth?  Check.  Outfit malfunctions that end in embarassment?  Check.  Bad boyfriends we can't seem to let go?  Check.  Random bouts of inappropriate behavior?  Check.

Here's the latest Bridget-type thing I've done...

I have a crush on a guy at church.  He's in the band...lead singer, guitar player, very sexy (which, again, inappropriate!  Kind of hard to concentrate on God when you're imagining what your kids would look like.....).  Going to church is a relatively new thing for me...my family isn't religious, though I had spurts when I was little when I would attend with friends.  But I've found a great church that is geared more toward people my age who are trying to make a difference in the world.  The pastors are great about connecting your spiritual path with your day to day path.

I digress.

So, about a month ago, I decided to take communion for the first time.  I felt really connected to the message, so I decided to head to the table.  So, I get up, and get into line.  At first I'm kind of watching everyone else to see what they're doing...saying...all of that stuff.  Like, am I supposed to thank the server?  Shake their hand?  Do I bow?  Just dumb stuff like that.  I'm very focused on getting it right...and then I realize that "THE GUY"...his name is Josh....is one of the servers.  I start to get nervous and sweaty.  Immediately.  I forget to focus on the mechanics of the communion and start thinking about things like...Do I look sweaty?  How's my hair?  All of the things that come with being a good Christian....



I get up to the front of the line...and realize HE'S TALLER THAN ME.  This, my friends, can make any man Brad Pitt in my eyes.  I'm 6' tall...so this is a special treat.  I'm totally thrown by this point.

The communion itself is a big loaf of French bread (Jesus was French?  Who knew?)  that you are supposed to take a chunk of, then dip it in grape juice, and penitently put in your mouth. 

It' s my turn.  I look up and smile at him, and he says, "Well, hi there!"  very surprised and smiley.  What does that mean?  Like they had got the memo at church that under no circumstances should I eat the Body of Christ...the church might explode or something.  (okay, so maybe he was just being nice...) I say hi, and he says "How are you doing?".  Now, I know from my intense observation that he has not done this with every person who has come through the line.  Normally it's "The body of Christ...blah blah...."  (blah blah is in the bible, did ya know?)  So, I'm even more thrown than before.  I say I'm fine...and kind of stand there.  He realizes we're just standing there with goofy smiles on our faces so he says the Body of Christ blah blah thing. 

I reach up to break off a piece of the ginormous loaf of bread...but instead of grabbing the soft, squishy, easily broken center of the bread, I, of course, grab the hard bottom crust part.  So, I'm trying to be all graceful and Godly and stuff, but the damn bread won't tear.  Seriously.  I tried for what seemed like an eternity to rip it.  Josh is laughing, and leans forward and says..."Put a little muscle into it".  I laugh, PALM THE LOAF OF BREAD WITH MY OTHER HAND, and rip off a piece of bread the size of Cleveland.

And, the piece de la resistance...

I look at him, my prized piece of bread in hand

And I flex my arms like Arnold at a Mr. Olympia reunion.  Let me repeat that.  I put my arms up in the air a little bit, bread in hand, and FLEXED MY BICEPS as though I had just won an arm wrestling match against the crafty bread.

At church.

But wait...It's not done yet...of course the girl holding the grape juice is looking at me like I'm some lunatic sent from the ninth gate of hell.  I quickly dip my bread in the juice, turn to the congregation and attempt to put the bread in my mouth.

Being the size of Cleveland as it was, it didn't go so well.  I'm now facing a church full of people, and squish the juicy bread half in my mouth, and half all over my cheek.  I now have juice all over my face, and can barely hold onto the bread because I thought it would go in my mouth, not all over my face.  I have now pinned the bread to my cheek with my index finger and decide to leave it there, lest anything else embarassing happens.  I put my head down and rush back to my seat, finger holding the "Body of Christ" to my face.

Where, as a grand finale, I get the giggles.

It made me realize, with all certainty, that God does have a sense of humor.  A platypus, yes, that is a sign as well (goofy looking poor thing!)...but really, all you have to do is spend more than five minutes with me and you'll be a believer.

Hello to all my zaadz friends...I'm sure some of you had given up on me!  I've taken a massive zaadz break...just checking mail and making sure everyone was doing alright.  I just haven't had the heart to write!  I think my blog "smack in the face" kind of put a sour taste in my mouth, but as always, time heals all, and I'm feeling back on track and settled about my place and reactions to others in the world.

It has been a wierd couple of months...I really took a long, hard look at what I'm doing career wise after the blog incident.  I felt very up in the air about what I was doing and became very bitter about my company and their two-faced business practices.  I ended up having a very long, honest heart to heart with my boss which has made a world of difference for me.  I'm feeling better (yet still weary) about my job...which as we all know is such a big deal - we spend too much time working to be miserable!  It has become so important to me to come from a place of integrity (thanks Zaadz!)...in everything I do.  I'm really trying to make a conscious effort, and if that ends up meaning making less money and feeling better about myself then I'm willing to take that risk.

Isn't it amazing when you can recognize at the precise moment it's happening change in your life?  I'm probably most proud of the fact that I recognize that I'm reacting to things differently...I'm taking the time to be more authentic, to be more present, to be more compassionate in my life.  I want to thank all of you Zaadzy sweethearts for helping me open my eyes and heart to what life REALLY has to offer.  You're the cream of the crop! 

I promise to be a better friend and support to all of you in the coming journey.

Love and hope to you all! :)

I've had this quote on my bulletin board for months, and just re-read it for the first time in a while.  I was amazed at how well it sums up the whole zaadz experience!

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us
But by how we react to what happens,
Not by what life brings to us,
But by the attitude we bring to life.
A positive attitude causes a chain reaction
Of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes.
It is a catalyst, a spark,
That creates extraordinary results.

-Anonymous

Love it!  Totally reflects what I'm trying to do in my life...and what I think we're all trying to do by being a part of Zaadz.  It's a great reminder of the power of thought!

It's fun to be a catalyst, huh! :)
xoxo
Mandy